Podcast Episode #54 - Why do I keep ending up in the same relationship patterns?
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[00:00:00] Hello and welcome back to yet another inspirational podcast episode brought to you by yours truly, Carina. I'm your truth speaker, truth seeker, truth keeper, and I am so glad that you're here with me today
What if the relationship pattern is not only what the other person keeps doing? What if it's how quickly you stop trusting yourself after they do it? So something happens, a comment lands badly, a promise is broken, you discover another lie. [00:01:00] You say that something hurt you, and somehow the conversation ends with you defending why you were hurt in the first place.
Then instead of staying with what you felt, you begin building a case. Was it really that bad? Did they mean it that way? Am I being too sensitive? Would another woman leave over this? And before long, the question is no longer, "Is this relationship working for me?" It becomes, "Can I prove that I'm allowed to feel the way I feel?"
There is a particular kind of question I keep seeing women ask in conversations, in messages, and in moms groups online: Am I overreacting? Is this a good enough reason to leave? Would you be upset by this? [00:02:00] Is this normal? The details change. Sometimes it's lying. Sometimes it's secret drinking. Sometimes it is cruel jokes followed by, "You can't take a joke."
Sometimes it's being ignored, dismissed, or spoken to with contempt. But underneath all of those questions, I often hear another one: Am I allowed to believe myself? Because many women are not trying only to understand what happened, they are trying to work out whether their own experience counts without somebody else agreeing with it first.
I recently noticed the same anonymous woman posting in a moms group several times over a period of months. Each post described a different [00:03:00] incident inside the same relationship. There had been lying, secret drinking, cruel comments, and moments where she tried to explain that she was hurt, only to be told she was overreacting or making life difficult.
But what stayed with me was the question she kept returning with: Is this enough? Am I overreacting? Would this be a decent reason to end a marriage? And I remember thinking she is not only asking a group of strangers what they think of his behavior, she is also asking them for permission to trust her own experience, because some part of her already knows something feels wrong.
Her body knows, her exhaustion knows. [00:04:00] The part of her that keeps returning to ask the question knows. But another part of her has learned that the knowing is not enough. She needs evidence, witnesses, a verdict, somebody outside the relationship to say, "Yes, you are allowed to take this seriously, and no, you're not making it up."
And I wonder how many women do this in quieter ways. Maybe you ask your sister, your best friend, Google at two o'clock in the morning. Maybe you present both sides so carefully that you almost disappear from your own version of events. You say, "Oh, to be fair, he was tired. They have been under a lot of pressure.
Oh, it's not like this all the time." [00:05:00] And perhaps all of that is true, but where are you in the story? What did it feel like inside your body? What became smaller in you afterwards?
Can I offer you another way of saying this? Maybe the repeating relationship pattern is not simply that you keep choosing the same kind of person. Maybe the pattern is what happens inside you when something feels wrong. You notice it, then you question it. You feel hurt, then you explain it away. You recognize a boundary has been crossed, then you move the boundary.
You tell yourself you need more proof, a worse incident, a clearer lie, something undeniable enough [00:06:00] that nobody can accuse you of being dramatic or unreasonable. So the line keeps moving Not because you're stupid, not because you enjoy being hurt, of course not, and not because another person's behavior is somehow your fault.
Absolutely not You are not responsible for somebody lying to you, intimidating you, betraying you, controlling you, or treating you with contempt. This is not about asking what you did to cause it. It's about noticing what happens to your relationship with yourself after it happens. Because perhaps the pattern repeats at the moment you begin negotiating with your own reality.
You knew [00:07:00] the cr- the comment was cruel, but then you said you were too sensitive. You knew the lie mattered, but then you explained, or sorry, they rather explained why it was technically not a lie. You knew you felt frightened, diminished, or emotionally alone, but then you compared your relationship with situations that seemed worse, and suddenly you are not listening to yourself anymore.
You are cross-examining yourself as though your feelings are an unreliable witness, as though your pain has to pass an invisible court of appeal before you're allowed to take it seriously. This is where women can remain stuck for years, not because they cannot see the pattern, because they have been taught not to trust what [00:08:00] they see unless somebody else confirms it
And this can make complete sense. If your feelings were dismissed when you were younger, you may have learned to doubt them. If speaking up led to conflict, ridicule, or withdrawal, you may have learned to soften what you know. If love felt unpredictable, you may have become very skilled at explaining other people's behavior so you could preserve the connection.
Because survival is often more interested in maintaining attachment than establishing truth. It asks, "How do I keep this relationship?" Not, "What is this relationship costing me?" So you become understanding and patient, forgiving. You give another chance. You search for the wound beneath their behavior. You try a [00:09:00] different tone, a better time, a kinder explanation.
You become so committed to understanding why they behave this way that you stop asking what their behavior is doing to you This is not weakness. It may be a survival pattern that once helped you stay connected, reduce conflict, or make an unsafe situation feel more manageable. But the cost is that your own reality becomes the first thing placed on the negotiating table
When you recognize this pattern, something small but important becomes possible. You can stop asking whether your experience would be convincing enough to everybody else and begin noticing that it was real because it [00:10:00] happened to you. You may still need time, support, practical planning, safety. You may not know what decision you want to make.
This episode is not here to make that decision for you, but you can return to the first truth before the explaining started, which is that hurt. I do not feel safe with this. This keeps happening, and I am no longer okay with this You do not have to solve the whole relationship in that moment. You are learning not to abandon yourself while you consider what comes next
You do not need a unanimous verdict from strangers, [00:11:00] friends, or family before your experience becomes real. You already know
And one question I wanna leave you with this week: Where are you still asking other people for permission to believe what you already know?
And so your little tiny experiment for this week is to notice the first moment you begin gathering evidence against your own feeling. So perhaps something happens and your body responds immediately. Your stomach drops, your chest tightens, you go quiet. Then the explanations arrive. They didn't mean it.
I'm probably overthinking. [00:12:00] Other women have it worse
Do not force yourself to make a decision. Just notice the moment you leave, what you felt, and begin arguing against it Then quietly name the first truth or feeling that you had when it happened. Like, "That hurt. That did not feel okay. This matters to me." And let that be enough for the moment
You're just simply noticing and acknowledging. So if today's conversation has left you recognizing how often you question your own reality, I would love to continue the conversation with you through my weekly email. It is not a traditional newsletter. It is a [00:13:00] quiet coaching conversation in your inbox.
One pattern, one new way of seeing yourself, and a little more language for the things you may have been carrying alone. You will find the link in the show notes. And until next time, stay curious about yourself, and remember, just because it was doesn't mean it will be. With love, Carina.